Shaky Foot Wisdom
XVIX.
November 14, 2020
“Close your eyes, Have no fear, The monster’s gone, He’s on the run And your daddy’s here…” Beautiful Boy, John Lennon, 1981
Oh, dear John, how I wish the monster was really gone. I am sad to admit the monster has been hiding in the closet, just awaiting the right time to spring. And apparently the monster is all aglow with pomp, fury and gnashing of snarly jagged teeth at the news of my being diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
All these years working hard to understand the healthy and unhealthy ways the emotion of anger can be expressed, including being a facilitator of a Response Training group, now seemingly in peril for I have found the monster has both an inability to count from one to ten and possesses no filter. He has been set loose in the land of dopamine and other neurotransmitters being depleted.
The gate is wide open now for he has chewed through the rusty bars that had kept him mostly silent for years. Knowing what I know now about taming monsters, the battle is not lost. I gather again all the tools from my cherished golden toolbox.
I remember the mantra, “my anger is here to let me know I am not feeling safe, that my needs are not being met and that I need to focus in on my breath.” It is far easier to react to what I do not want than to regain a sense of calm to determine what I do want. Of course, the reactor is the monster and as I said he has no filter.
Now, I must allow my anger to continue to inform me about what I do not want and begin again the harder task of answering the question of what I do want. With the newness of Parkinson’s still at the forefront, I can choose to create a life that works for me.
There is the remembered awareness that the true power lies in asking for what I want knowing that I may not get it. Nobody else can or will empower me. I must empower myself so that I am not drawn into situations that do not serve me well.
I feel the monster fading and I know that he’s on the run and little Paulie, your daddy’s here.
